Love and Hatred are not the only feelings couples experience these days. It’s not just always about love, sometimes relationships face some really different issues that no one ever talks about. Here are four relationship issues every couple faces, but never talks about.
We all talk about it during the first few months or the first year of being married or living together. But adjustment issues can crop in anytime between two people — from the kind of friends you have, the kind of profession you are in or the type of social life you lead. It could define the kind of person you are at home if you’re responsible, carefree, sacrificing, workaholic, etc.
All these issues slowly turn into major adjustment issues that the couple has to cope with all their lives.
Respect for each other
The most important aspect in a relationship is respect. If you love a person, you would respect him/her, but every couple is not the ideal one, nor the times are same. While in argument, with difference of opinions or choices in life couples start disrespecting each other and sometimes also make it obvious before people.
When boredom sets in
It’s not an extra-marital affair or long hours of your hectic schedule, boredom can simply set in, into any relationship. It is one of the most common relationship issues, and it is just the fact that the spark goes missing between two people, when monotony sets in. This is when you really need to concentrate on bringing back that passion in your relationship.
Another very important issue that a couple faces is resisting to get lured by other attractions outside the relationship. It is very easy to get carried away but extremely difficult to sustain a relationship and keep finding reasons to be loyal and love your partner more with every passing day.
Infidelity is by far the most common issue, followed by problems with in-laws. Even with couples that live in different cities from their parents, ‘remote-control-in laws’ seem to have a great say in their children’s’ marriages. Money issues are not as big as one would have expected but cultural differences, the way both partners were raised, do cause trouble in relationships. If the woman is from a liberal background and didn’t see her mother cooking at home, she will resent having to do it after marriage. Likewise, opinions on things like working from home or alcohol consumption are results of upbringing.
People who have affairs typically go through four stages. First, they believe they are messed up and it’s their own fault. Then they justify their affair by declaring something is wrong with their partner. At the third stage, they decide that the problem is neither with themselves, nor their partner, but that incompatibility is the issue. And finally, even incompatibility is not an excuse; the problem lies with the whole idea of lifetime commitment. They begin to believe that there is something wrong with the system of making vows for a lifetime. I find that when people are aware of these stages beforehand, they have a different perspective on cheating.
Raksha Bharadia, author, teacher and editor of India’s Chicken Soup For the Soul series says, “We’re a big hush-hush nation, it’s alright not to wash your dirty linen in public but we go to the other extreme. Couples post one happy picture after another on Facebook but no one discusses what goes on between two happy pictures. We Indians are in a very unique situation. We grow up with a strong, Asian, community-based family culture but find ourselves juxtaposed with Western influences not just through TV shows but also through social media. We live in two worlds, with no role models to follow; so as far as couple relationships are concerned, we’re in a state of flux”.
Common mistakes people make with relationships
You’ve got to remember that the things that attract you about a person are the same things that you will hate about them in three years. What was spontaneous becomes irresponsible, what was structured becomes inflexible. Couples should refrain from misusing the word love. After a serious relationship of two or three years, the romance is bound to reduce. The mere newness of another person becomes attractive. When you share your personality with another person you feel very alive and a lot of people mistake that for love. We need a lifetime to understand what love and relationship is. Don’t term attraction, or a relationship that makes you feel young and loved as the actual one.
When you look at it objectively, you realise that temporary is not what you want. When you have stayed with your partner for years, built a life together, had children together, you don’t think it is worth throwing it away just because you are bored. The problem with most couples is that they don’t go through any form of pre-marital counseling before making long-term commitments. They don’t consider situations that could cause disputes. Not one of the couples who came to us to share their stories of troubled relationships have had premarital counseling.
Relationships have cycles. When you’re done with all your firsts, from the first fight, to the first intimate moments and the first sharing of everything, when you’ve seen each other’s dark sides and you still want that person in your life then you know that the person is more than a fling. Love is when you had bad viral fever and he’s wiped the snot off with a tissue! We tend to rush into labeling and then stay stuck in those labels. There’s a beautiful saying, “Love is when falling in love is done with”.